What can I say?

Life has been so confusing lately. I thought I cared for him, I really did. but now all i see is manipulation, immaturity and low self esteem. But the second he texts me, i realize i don’t want to hurt him. I’m firm up until the moment of confrontation. I don’t want to hurt him, but I hate dealing with him. I feel like his therapist, not his friend. He is really too stressful for me to handle. I have had 4 panic attacks over the past 3 days. That is far more then i have had in a long time. I can tell he is starting to affect my mental status, but still i protect him. Am i crazy? Probably. I just wish I could have known better and gotten myself out before it started to get bad. I guess you live and learn.

Love Life (What's That?)

Thunder of my inner chaos slowly calming
Down, down
I look up in the sky
No longer seeing you
Look up in the sky
See the sun coming through

This week has easily been one of the hardest/weirdest weeks of my life. its really weird to think that just a week and a half ago it was my birthday. i can see now that was the day it all spiraled down. me and him spent a lot of time alone together that day. after he gave me my present we just sat and snuggled and enjoyed being together. i can see now what a bad idea that was. i should have never let him touch me. i knew better. I let this happen before and it never ended well, yet I tried it again just to make sure its still a bad idea.

its weird to think i was ever happy around him. i know now it was just an artificial happiness, that came from me suppressing my own thoughts and emotions and putting on a happy face to keep him from hurting himself. everyone else saw it far quicker then i did. i was drowning. i find it funny that i was prideful enough to think that i could change him. that i could fix him. that i thought i could do something that many other had tried to do and failed. i know now why they failed. he doesn’t want help, he just wants to rely on others to live life for him. to constantly be there.

i’m very conflicted right now. everything within me knows this is right, and knows that this is the best way to handle what is going on. but once i’m alone, and my mind shuts up for a second, i can hear my heart crying, sobbing, and screaming that i want him back. it would be so much better if he was pissed at me. i’m so used to people hurting me, to people verbally abusing me. i can handle that, it rolls right off my back. i can’t handle that he is happy for me. he is happy that i got out of a situation that he knew was hurting me. everything in me wants to just hold him and tell him everything is going to be ok, but i know that isn’t what is best for either of us.

i’m starting to see a lot of co-dependency in myself and its making me nervous. the fact that without someone to constantly care for and worry about, i feel alone and sad. this is very concerning. i need to learn how to live without people constantly around. am i really that insecure? it might just be my nature, but the more i analyze myself, the more problems i find.

Which To Bury, Us or the Hatchet

And wisdom always chooses

These black eyes and these bruises

Over the heartache that they say

Never completely goes away

I don’t even know how to describe today, I guess I should just start and see where it goes…. I cleaned my room today, and that was just awesome.. I always forget how much calmer I feel when all the visible surfaces in my room are clean. I feel like its easier to think that way. then there was women’s Bible study…that was fun, but a little awkward…but maybe i’m just an awkward person :P

we were talking about self image, and its a really interesting topic if you stop and think about it. i don’t think either of the messages being displayed currently are a good idea. first, you have the Hollywood superficiality that says everyone must look perfect at all costs, but on the other hand, you have churches and women’s right groups that say “if your inside is beautiful, then your outside doesn’t matter”. i am of the opinion that neither of these ideals are correct. your outside beauty matters. as much as people like to say that it doesn’t, we all judge each other by how we look. if a person were to show up to a job interview in sweatpants and a dirty t-shirt, chances are good they wouldn’t get the job. in a way, i feel it is entirely justified to judge people based on appearances, because we all dress to reflect our perceptions of ourselves. that being said, if you focus too much on outer beauty, it is often a shallow and unfulfilling road. you may look good on the outside, but no one will be able to look past obvious personality flaws no matter how good you look.thus, one must simultaneously be able to analyze oneself in a rather critical manner to see in which of these two areas they fall a little short of the best that they can be.

After Bible study, i was suddenly faced with the idea that i had nothing to do for the rest of the afternoon. So packed up my stuff and headed to the library. I always forget how much i like libraries. they are incredibly peaceful to me, and i’m so much more productive in them then i am trying to work at home.

I have determined that part of the reason i don’t much like to work on things at home, is because i don’t really feel safe in my own house. i feel like my father is constantly disappointed and frustrated with me. to the point that i have associated my house with those feelings. being alone in public makes me feel safe. i feel safe because i have control over the situation. i decide when i leave, i decide where i go. its not that i’m independent, i’m just a control freak.

while i was in the library, Rick came to visit. that was fun :) its always nice to see people i don’t normally get a chance to on the weekends, and honestly, i’m still not completely sane. i feel so stupid, having to rely so heavily on him and Megan to keep me sane, and to keep me from doing what i so desperately want to, but what i know would end so poorly. i keep re- reading everything i have left of him. i’m obsessing. its almost as if i am grieving the death of a loved one. however, that’s not what this is about. this is about the fact that i actually had fun today. i really enjoy being in the presence of someone who is actively trying to make me laugh :) i enjoy being happy, and at this point in time that is what i need. i enjoy being with a guy that i know there is no chance of anything happening, it just takes a lot of the pressure off of hanging out. i don’t feel like i have to constantly watch what i say and do to be sure i am not sending unintentional signals about my feelings. i can feel free to just be who i am.

now, back to the one who is always on my mind. i really just want to send him a text. i just want to be platonic friends. i just want to be able to say hello every so often and be on good terms. this not speaking at all thing is killing me. i can never forget, even for a second, no matter who i am around. i can never forget what i did to him. what i am doing to him. to see him hurting is killing me. its like i have this eternal pressure that is always weighing on my heart. i only knew him for a month. but that month had the power to change everything. if only he knew how much this was hurting me.

The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

i don't know how to tell you, but i can't be this close to you. i just need space. i know i could never date you. but i want to so badly. do i love you? or do i love the idea of being in love? is my self esteem really that low? i care so much for you. but i just want to be friends....i stress more and more about the future. i can't hurt you. i would die. i want to help you, but i know we can't date.. you are too attached to me. i can't let you get any more so. you are a really sweet guy but i can't let this happen.

i wish you had never asked me to that dance. it has made things exceedingly awkward for me. you are a great friend and a sweet guy, but we could never date. we are far too different, we share no common interest. i don't even understand your attraction to me. up until you asked me out i was sure you had a thing for Faith. why does this happen to me? are you dating me just to have someone to date? was i your last chance option? in some selfish part of my mind i could never date you even if i liked you. i could never date someone in the military.i need someone there for me. physically there. its a completely selfish thought i know, but i can't get past it.

why does my past so drastically shape my future?why must guys be so manipulative and take advantage of the fact that i am easily manipulated so readily? they all said that they cared about me. that they wanted the best for me, when in reality they just wanted to hurt me.

Edward was the king of manipulators. when we first met, he just seemed like you typical nice guy. friends with everyone, cared for everyone.Hannah tried so hard to warn me. she knew better. she knew what he would do to me. but i wouldn't listen. i was infatuated with his strength and the fact that he "cared" about me. we started talking on facebook. everything started out Innocently enough, talking about school, what else we were up to that day. but then things started going down hill. he started telling me about his past and how he grew up, so i, in exchange started to trust him. i told him everything, about my past, about what i am going through now. i thought he cared. little did i know he was just going to use this against me. as the relationship went on he started to get more and more possessive. if i wasn't online one night, or i was hanging out with my family, he would get upset me. he demanded a lot of my time. i was constantly stuck in this online world i wanted out of. if it had just been that i would have been ok. but along with my time he took a lot of my mental and emotional purity. he would tell me fantasies of what he was going to do to me when i turned 18. he would make me participate in creating these fantasies. even thinking about it now makes me shudder. i can't believe that ever happened. every so often we would get into debates about things me and him didn't agree on. he would call me stupid, naive, and tell me that my opinion didn't matter because i didn't live in the real world. he wanted to make me feel as small as possible so that he could maintain control.

I never thought of Danny as a manipulator, until i was on the back side of that relationship. he started out just flirting with me, and calling me beautiful and smart and cute. i fell. hard. i didn't realize that he just wanted me for my body, that he was just trying to get me to the point that i would give in. and i almost did. that day at work.....lying there with him...i knew something could happen...but i did it anyways...i will forever be thankful to mark for coming out and checking on me, because i know now i would have done something i would have forever regretted. he never directly pressured me like edward did. he just wouldn't leave the topic alone. i hated it. i felt dirty.

i kept all of this from everyone. i thought i was ok. i thought it was healthy.i was so stupid.

starting this blog off right!

because i lack serious motivation to blog, i have decided to start this blog off with a 30 day challenge. i normally get annoyed by these things, but i really liked the questions in this one.

here's a quick overview of the challenge:

1. What was a changing moment in your life?
2. Has a painful experience ever had a positive impact in your life?
3. What are three of your biggest passions?
4. What is your dream career?
5. What in life is most beautiful to you?
6. Describe a specific moment where God obviously was working in your life.
7. What is your place of refuge?
8. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? What about now?
9. What song has moved you recently?
10. Who is your "best self"?
11. What is your favorite age?
12. If you knew you would die in two weeks, would you change anything about your life now?
13. Why do you keep a blog? What is your favorite part of keeping a blog? Least favorite?
14. When do you feel most alive?
15. Have you ever regretted something you DIDN'T do?
16. How do you spend time alone?
17. What kind of impact do you want to make on the world?
18. If you had a friend who talked to you like you talk to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend?
19. What is your favorite Bible verse and why?
20. Are you an optimist, a realist, or a pessimist? Which would you rather be?
21. What do you miss most about your childhood?
22. How are you inspired?
23. What is a quality about yourself that you like? That you're striving to change?
24. Who is someone who changed your life for the better?
25. How is God working in your life right now?
26. If you could write a letter to your thirteen-year-old self, what would you say?
27. What do you like best about each member of your family?
28. If you could do one thing to make the world a better place, what would you do?
29. At this time in your life, do you think you're fulfilling God's plans for you?
30. Share your testimony.

i will probably start the first one later today when i get home from work :)