I'm currently attempting to put all of my writings in one place, so the lengthy entry previous to this one is actually made up of many entries that were copied off of tumblr then arranged in order. I recently found some  realllly old writings in a Xanga blog i used to have, so for my own amusement, i have decided to move them here with everything else. I find them quite funny...i was quite the fiery young teenager :)

you know you're on a missions trip when.... 

1.you know that training is the hardest part of the missions trip 

2.you know that "one more time" means at least another hour 

3. "always start left" is a golden rule 

4. if you happen to forget said rule,you will probably get hit in the head with flying sticks or limbs...therefore causing a major accident....everyone will do this at least once. 

5.you have bruises and you have know idea where they came from,same with cuts 

6. you have ever worn a coustume held together by duck tape/super glue/safety pins 

7.baby wipes are tresured 

8.MAs check you MAG's is the most heard phrase 

9.you know who is in your MA group and look to see whos missing whenever said phrase is called 

10.you never go anywhere without your water bottle 

11.shower buddies.....enough said 

12. cold showers are normal 

13.you standards drop...if it has not been worn at least twice....don't wash it....its to much work 

14.you know that washing your costume is a huge pain....you do it as little as possible 

15.when you do wash your costume, the water turns black 

16.you know that blow dryers are used more to dry clothes than hair 

17. you have food on you at all times....beef jerky being the best of missions food 

18.you now hate pb&j 

19. you have ever made sandwiches while on a moving bus.... 

20. you carry tp with you everywhere 

21.you know not to flush your toilet paper.. 

22.free days are like a vacation 

23. after a few days you no longer care that you look terrible....so does everyone else 

24.you come back with a thousand inside jokes 

25.you have played charades or some other form of random game in the airport 

26.you have really weird tan lines....my personal favorite being ronnies "bikini" tan line :) 

27.drama music is always in your head......and when ever you hear the drama music you automatically start to do the steps in your head 

28.you can recite the spanish plan of salvation almost from memory 

29.you know the narration to the drama in spanish 

30.you know random,unhelpful spanish like "toyland"

standards

i was reading old stuff that i had written a long time ago and stumbled on an entry that i had written on standards and how they affect us.i then started to think about the standards that people try to hold me to....now before i go further i want to note that i am not just talking about christians...the world has its own set of standards....anyways....i was thinking about how hypocritical some people can be.as a pastors kid most people hold me to a very high standard...the most irritating of these people are the parents that either (a hold me to a higher standard than their own kids....you can't discipline your own kids and yet you yell at me for having a teporary lapse in judgement....it will happen...i am human..ooorrr (b think that because i am the pastors kid i am supposed to parent their kids....if i see your kid making a mistake or disobeying you it is not my job to force them to stop....i can only control what i do...not your kid.and also....if you have a problem with my parents....do not come to me and complain...that does nothing for you...if you were to talk to them though...you might get somewhere....and furthermore...they are my parents..i like and respect them...i do not appreciate you slamming them. 

now....as promised...this is not just about christians and their standards...here are the wordly standards....i shall start with a story...the other day i was talking with someone and i happened to mention in passing that i had never had a boyfriend....they gave me the strangest look and then asked if my parents kept me in a cage....i said no...it was my choice that i had never dated anyone....so the word in of itself has self built standards for everyone...at first glance i am supposed to be a "normal" teenager...which apparently consists of dating every guy who gives me a second look and sleeping with every guy who gives me a third look along with all sorts of dangerous and illegal activities....but is that anyway to live?? i, for one, don't think i could handle the regret that these things would leave in my life later on....i have seen the affect that it has on people...nothing good has ever come from it. and yet the would expects these things from me...and when i say i'm not like that....they get another image in their minds....it the cookie cutter christian image...they think that i have never experienced any hardship....that i have always lived the perfect life..that i could never understand what it is like to live outside the shadow of the steeple (for the record, out church doesn't even have a steeple) but in reality every christian is different...we have all been bonded by a central,saving God...but everyone has a different story...different struggles...to put us all into one mold is like trying to put all the music in the world under one genre....i'm not perfect...i don't claim to be....and in all honesty you just parade your ignorance when you make jokes about my religion....i thing it funny how in the age of political correctness it is unaceptable to make fun of the muslims or even the new-age people.....but christians are still widely mocked for their religious belief...and for the record....people always call christians "religious fanatics" but no one says any thing about the muslims blowing innocent people up because of their religion....so now..you may have noticed and are about to get really angry and say "jessica that was not the right thing to say....not all muslims support the bombings" and i realize this...i was using it to prove a point....the muslims as a whole are not being blamed for the attacts...only the people that commit them...and yet when someone in the christian world does something wrong,it is automatically assumed that all christians are like that and to avoid them at all costs...or worse...God gets the blame...how is mans choices Gods fault? if people would take two seconds away from slamming something that they know nothing about and look in the Blble they would notice that God gave us a free will...but because of this chosen ignorance they will continue to tell me about how my religion messed with their lives and about how it is evil....i can understand that you have had bad influences in your life that have made you think that all christians are hypocrites but it still does not justify it...do you hate someone that you have never met because you met and hated their sister...nooo...so you should not make pre mature judgements about people that you have never met just because you met a someone that you did not like that stamped that label one their foreheads, wether the were true christians or not.....okay....i think... i'm done....if you understand any of this you get a gold star....i'm pretty sure its not clear at all...but oh well...i'm to tired to change it :)

so in my early childhood class we were talking about being biased aginst certain groups or situations.i the saw in myself one huge bias....if you are going to have kids...grow up first....do not have kids just because you think that they are cute and you are lonley....your reasoning sucks....i have seen so many kids from broken homes that are still working through the emotional baggage.....if you don't think that you can stay with one person for the rest of you life.....don't have kids with them...simple as that...i can't belive the parents that think that it is okay to argue within the earshot of their kids...it messes with a child's sense of security to always hear mom and dad arguing....kids hear and understand more than you want to belive.....don't think that just because you are only fight while the kids are at school that they don't feel the tension..that they don't see the scathing you shoot at eachother...they are not blind or stupid...another thing.....again...if you have kids....it means that you need to grow up....no more partying untill you are to drunk to see three feet in front of you,no more sleeping around with people that are not you husband....no more doing drugs....its time to grow up....stop throwing temper tantrums about how you have to take care of YOUR kids...it was your fault...you should have thought about the parental responsibilities before you had kids...its to late now.....okay...enough rant....i think im done for the day

people think i'm not opinionated.....but just because i don't shout it out on rooftops does not mean it does not exsist......so for the next while i will rant just to flaunt my opinion....so i will start with today at the movie theater...this random guy walks up to me and my friends and the following conversation ensued 

guy: can i ask you a question? 

me: sureeeeee 

guy: i am with my youth group and i was just wondering what movie you guys were seeing 

me: cloudy with a chance of meatballs....we are also with our youth group 

guy: can i ask you another question? 

me: um,okay 

guy: do you belive that all religions go to heaven? 

me: (????!!!) No 

guy: (turning to the new girl that was blushing madly and trying to escape) what do you think? 

girl: ummmmmm...uhhhhhh..well i don't think so,cause there is only one God so someone must be wrong 

guy:okay,good answer,(he then hands us pamhplets) so do you guys have facebook? 

me.yes,i do 

him:well you should look up (insert name of event that i forgot) its going to be really cool,lots of band and stuff...you should check it out 

me:okay,great (thinking all the time about ways to escape and the fact that i will never even get close to this event) i take his card and run away quickly 

now....what i don't understand was this guys thought process.....what was his goal in asking us if we thought all religions go to heaven?.....was it to start a fight?.....i agreed with the man on all grounds and he was still making me mad.....had i not been a christian i would have walked away from that guy with my suspicions confirmed...that all christians are crazy and judgemental...i agree that we should go out and witness...but why must you start a coversation on such a controversial topic? 

now i understand that that guy may have had the best in mind when he was doing this, but did he really think about what he was saying? did he pray and ask God about his opinion? i don't think he did....i think he went off of his own thoughts of what would make a good start up question....but if they walk away within the first minute of talking to you ticked off because you don't listen, have you really made progress?....i think that religious arguments have their place but i don't think that it is in a public place around complete strangers. 

another thing that irratates me to no end is the christians that profess to have a deep faith but you never see it. in the Bible it says that you will know a tree by its fruit....so if you say you are a christian and you are producing worldly fruit, you are just giving people a lot of reasons not to become christians...because you are no different than them they see no reason to change...they just see it as a big waste of time....Jesus said this about the pharissees :you are like white washed tombs, on the out side you are spotless but on the inisde there are dead mans bones....you can't say you are one thing than live another, or else your words are meaningless 

i will also never be able to understand the christians that think that it is okay for them to cuss because it makes them "fit in" with the non-christians....we were not meant to fit in.....we were meant to be different enough that people would want to know why...i am not,however saying that you should go around to everyone that could really care less and tell them that they should not cuss and that they are evil.....both are bad 

as we are getting on the topic of judgemental christians i should note that it is good to keep each other accountable so as not to fall into sin and temptation.but that does not give you the right to walk up to random strangers, or people you know for that matter, and yell at them for something that they do not see as a problem...its not right, but yelling at someone is not a goodd way to start a conversation......also.....do not be pridful enough to think that you are above sin once you have been saved for a while..its not true...the bible says that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God..everyone falls sometimes....but only the strong get back up 

now...in closing i feel the need to bring a lighter note to this opinion-fest.so on that note being a christian has got to be the best thing that has ever happened to me....contrary to popular belief i have tried life with out God and it was not pleasant....it was dark and depressing....but God found me in the midde of all the mess and some how made beauty from pain.okay...thats all for now....but i kinda liked being able to speak my mind....you might just see me here again soon :)

so......today....i hate customers....this one idiot started to cuss at my manager,me and the rest of the store.......how is that okay???? i want to know why people think that just because we work in food sevice we must be worthless....we are humans to....as i was listening to her yelling she kept saying....."the customer is always right!!!" and "don't talk over the customer!!!!!!"....so just because you are the customer it gives you the right to treat us imhumanly??....i mean do you talk to your family and friends like that??? i think its crazy that america has come to view people who work in customer sevice as a lower class.....people say that they  don't discriminate but just because you are not racitialy or sexully biased does not mean that you do not have your biases....our job is harder than you think.....just because i have yet to get a collage degree does not mean that i work an easier job than you......you have weekends off.....i rarely do.....i work at all times of night and morning.....there is stress involved...if you are in a rush and there are a thousand things to do and everyone is yelling at you....yeah....its stressful.....i have to know what to do at all times....if somthing goes wrong, you are blamed for it....even if there is nothing you could have done...you are constantly being yelled at if there is somthing wrong with the food....when you did not make it....and yet everthing is your fault because you are caught in the middle....life sucks

    -that random person you wish you knew

Let You Go

I don’t wanna let you go

But the weather changes like your mind

And I don’t wanna give you up

But I might this time

I hope the new grass you seek 

Is greener than the greenest green 

And if it’s not, or if it is

I just hope you’ll be 

At peace

Goodbye.

  Its been an interesting past 2 months to say the least, and i’m just now really getting to the point that i can blog about it. to start the new year and new school year, i ended up ending things with the boy, after a long conversation with a friend that new both of us and the situation, and finally told me that she didn’t think the relationship was healthy. it was probably one of the hardest things i have ever done, breaking up with him, but in the end i am glad i did it. i should have known from the start we weren’t right for each other, but i was misguided by attraction and i figured i could make it work. although things didn’t work out with him, i don’t regret the relationship, because i grew a lot in who i am and what i want from life. it is unfortunate to me however, that things ended so poorly, because i was sad to lose him as a friend, but i realize it wasn’t doing either of us any good to try and force that relationship to work, there was still too much emotion involved. 

  Recently i have been taking a break from doing any sort of relationship type thing, because i realize now i am not emotionally ready to be in a relationship that is healthy and beneficial. this doesn’t stop guys from trying though >.< i really need to figure out how i send out “hit on me” vibes only to creepy guys, if i could find a nice, normal guy that is actually a christian, i will be set, there are prospects now, but unfortunately one is not a christian and one is just not as much my type.

I have recently been doing a lot of self discovery and self improvement. a friend a short time ago noticed something about me that no one has ever noticed in the past 4 years. i struggle with an eating disorder. its hard for some people to catch because i eat some of the time, and i make sure to eat around people so they don’t get suspicious. that being said, she caught me, and now has offered help and accountability to help me stop that, along with self injury. i am learning one of the most interesting aspects of my personality is my total submissiveness, but it is very conditional, it is only if i think you are intelligent enough to truly be able to have my best in mind, and also, if i am able to respect your authority because i see your as a strong person. the girl who is helping me now, is only able to be so effective because i trust her to really know what is best for me because she is intelligent,and knows enough about the disorder to really know how best to help me. 

  My current goals in life are just to get better before i try to get into any sort of official relationship with a guy. i’m not sure about some things right now,and i want to get them straight first. 

I recently also learned the meaning of “you never know what you’ve got until its gone.” i thought that i had nothing more then a platonic friendship with this person, that, while we were able to be honest with each other, hadn’t really blossomed into anything too emotionally attached. then i almost lost her, and i realized, in that moment, that i had cared very deeply for her all along, and that losing her hurt much more then i expected it too. thankfully this phase only lasted a very short period, and we were able to return to this friendship stronger, and with a deeper appreciation for each other.

  I am currently fascinated by my trust issues. i was asked who i trusted recently, and i could come up with 2 people, one of them being the one that asked the question to begin with. when i trust, it isn’t a light, flippant thing for me, if i trust you, i trust you with me life and well being, i know that you would never harm me. this being said, i am quickly learning that trusting people leads to heartache. every person i have every trusted in life has always ended up violating that apparently ill placed trust in the most violating and hurtful ways possible. this is why i don’t trust easily, if at all. the only reason i currently trust the people that i do, is because i have been forced to because they know too much and care too much, so i have learned to put trust in them that they would never betray me.

In the end, its been an emotional, and at times rough few months, but i don’t regret it. i have come out on the other side a better, stronger, and more mature person, and have made some lasting relationships in the process. i was telling a close friend of mine last night about this, and she told me that she is willing to help me in whatever way she can to get past the leftover issues that stand in my way. i am ready to take on the world, one baby step at a time.  

Walls

Does anybody know where February went?

I was hoping that by now it would be the end of this:

When you open up a book and read a thousand lines,

But you don’t really read you just move your eyes.

Lately i have just felt weird. that’s really the only way i can describe it. its almost as if i’m watching an outside person live my life for me. This scares me because the last time i got this feeling, i was 13, and it was at the peak of my anxiety and depression. This could just be because of the new year and how much i truly detest change, but it feels worse then that. i hate the spontaneous panic attacks. I want a reason for my crazy. i can’t handle this. i feel so alone, i feel like no one cares. my insecurity is starting to annoy people, i can see it testing them. i wish i was normal. i wish i was capable of having normal human interactions. why can’t i control myself? i fear i will always be that weird homeschooler that people just hang out with because they have to or they feel bad for me. i can’t wait for school to start back.

Pull Myself Together (Don’t Hate Me)

Chain of lies, chain of events

The keys are in your reach,

but not in your hands

You don’t have to be

a quote good unquote person to be let free

And how will you understand?

As if I would back then.

How will they understand,

that’s who I was not who I am?

And I’m not a perfect soul,

and I’ll fall again, I know, but oh

I must pull myself together

This is a brand new day

Pull myself away from my mistakes

Pull myself together,

It’s time to let the waves just take me, pull me away

It was only a matter of time before this song made into a post. This song has been my anthem for a long as i can remember. it means a few things to me, the first being a reminder that one day i will recover. i will finally make it past this wall of insecurity, self hate, and anxiety. it reminds me to live day to day, to do my best and live my life to the fullest. 

But it also reminds me of something i have been avoiding for the last 10 minutes of writing this post. it reminds me that i don’t fit in anywhere. i’m trying to be someone i’m not and i don’t know how to go back to the person i would rather be. i miss my religion. i miss being that close to God, i miss knowing him. go ahead, call me crazy. that’s what i’m waiting for, i know that all non-Christians and 99% of “Christians” don’t get this utter devotion to an invisible being, but once you have experienced the things i have, it would be a slap in the face not to. But back to my main point, i am basically living in suspense between two worlds. not quite ready to give up my good girl image, but teetering closer and closer to the edge. This scary realization hit me while hanging out a few weeks ago with my sister and the Furloughs. after spending a truly excessive amount of time with Grayson this semester, i realized i really missed being challenged to live a Godly life. He challenged me, while also treading carefully to make me trust him. at first i thought it was attraction, but now i see that i just have a very deep respect for him. he is a little over zealous at times, but thats far better then what i’m doing. i have always said i hated lukewarm christians, that they were useless. and yet this is what i have become. the most eye opening moment for me was after walking me to spanish class and realizing we had some time to kill, he suggested we pray, right then and there. i was ashamed, for more then one reason. i was embarrassed to be seen praying, and i was ashamed to be embarrassed. He taught me a lot that day.

A new year starts in just a few days. This is the year i finally get back on track. what ever it takes. no excuses. i need this. as for goals, i have a few:

1.Find my relationship with God

2.Update my OGSM to reflect my current plan

3. find Godly accountability to work through everything. be honest withthem. really honest. 

4.lose weight, get in shape. no more laziness

5. get a 4.0 this semester. anything less would just showcase laziness

  6.get into state, start looking at schools to get my masters at. 

Justice & Mercy

We can’t be oblivious

We are not ignorant

Blood in our hearts,

Blood on our hands

We’re human

We reason

We’re breathing

Protecting

You’re living and dying, surviving, we’re trying

This has spent a long time coming, and is really just the product of too many hours spent pondering life on a swing set, where all good thinking is done. There really isn’t a lot of point to it, besides a question. i don’t want to expand too much, because i want everyone to have their own answer. Justice, or Mercy? which should you show? is it more important that a person gets what he deserves and is shown consequences for his actions? or should he be shown Mercy in order to show him the beauty of grace, and to make him a more gracious person himself? is he deserving of grace? is anybody?

Dismantle.Repair.

The night was young and so were we

Talked about life, God, death, and your family

Didn’t want any promises

Just my undivided honesty

Today kinda sucked. It started out with such promise too, i hung out with Hannah which was lovely :) she makes me feel so normal. then things started to spiral, as they always do. I got a text from Rick that bothered me a little, but i just kinda let it go cause me and Hannah were watching a movie, but later on my way to work when i was lost  in thought driving, i began to think about how much it bothered me and how tired i was of everything. when i got to work i sent off a 5 page text that i can’t decide if i regret sending. the repercussions suck, but i can’t help but still believe every word i wrote. so for the next few hours i went back and forth with him and the girl that had originally advocated the sending of the first text. eventually i gave in and apologized because i really didn’t want to hurt either of them.

My question that comes out of all of this is, why do i care so much? conflict makes me physically and mentally ill. i can’t eat, i can’t sleep. i want to die. i have also been highly anxious since the fighting ended. i had a panic attack while driving to pick my brother up, fearing someone was going to break into the car and shoot me. i don’t understand why i care so much, i’m really close to Rick so thats understandable, but i don’t really understand why the other girl’s opinion of me matters, i will probably never hang out again, and we are polar opposites as far as views on things go, so i’m not really sure why this matters,but the thought of upsetting her makes me want to cry. i want to know why i can’t just let people go. i’m too attached and clingy to people and it’s not safe

Everyone harassed me to stop talking to Edward when i still was, but i refused. this is the real reason why. not because he was interesting, not because i enjoyed our conversations, but because i was too chicken to lose him. i don’t know why, but losing someone, even someone inconsequential to me freaks me out.

 i think the need to have everyone approve of me comes from growing up a pastors daughter. especially back when our church was mostly adults instead of college students, i was always the “good little pastors daughter” my sister escaped this image because she was always in the band and not having to deal with everyone. when i was 14, the middle schoolers were always trying to start drama with me. they said i called girls sluts, that i would make up lies about them and tell them to my brother and his friends. all because i refused to help them try to flirt with my brother. the hardest part about this whole thing was that some of the parents and youth leaders in the church believed them. they actually believed i would be that cruel and petty. my reputation was destroyed along with my self esteem. it was one of the hardest things i have ever been through. they turned my best friend on me.

I’m tired of dealing with this anxiety. i hate that i just panic randomly. that i have no specific triggers. i hate being weak. i know something is seriously wrong with me, but i refuse to do something about it. i don’t want to seem even more messed up to my parents, i’m already the screw up, i don’t need to add “psychologically unstable” to that list.

i’m just tired.

My Disease

You are my disease

You keep on killing me

I never should have let you in my heart

I’m trying to believe

You’re not the end of me

I’m better off without you

 Hmmmm…. Better just start from the beginning. Things all started to go down hill tuesday morning. I got to school at my usual hour, and headed off to see Alex who happened to be on campus that day. It was a strange and stressful conversation to say the least, that included me removing 2 utility knife blades from his possession, and finally crying and lecturing trying to make him understand how important he is. 

 From there my day only got better, i saw Rick and we hung out and cuddled for a while which was nice :) Then my day ended with the launch of the CrossWalk, which has been doing really well thus far. 

So, Tuesday wasn’t all that bad in general. it was Wednesday that fell completely apart.

Wednesday started with the usual barrage of classes and homework and boredom, seemed to be just a normal Wednesday. Alex didn’t contact me through out the whole day, which was a nice break for once. Then, once I got home from work at some crazy early hour, he started texting me. At first it was just normal stuff, and he actually seemed pretty stable for once, but I should know by now that he just never is. He started telling me that he has decided on a date for his suicide. That it will be the 27th of April, his and Megan’s anniversary. I just couldn’t handle it any more. I was so tired of always having to be the strong one. Of always being ok. I ended up getting really fed up and stressed, so I called Rick, thinking I could just be made sane and then go on. The second he picked up the phone I knew I had lost it. I was no longer able to keep everything so well hidden. Everything I had kept to myself over the past weeks came out. I ended up crying uncontrollable for around an hour. He sat there the entire time, never once growing frustrated with my over excessive reaction to something that is completely my fault. He never once tried to tell me that it is my own fault, and that i should never have gotten myself into this mess. he just let me cry, and then when i was done, he told me I was cared about. and that’s all I really needed. I don’t think he will ever understand how much it means to me that he even cared enough to pick up the phone, that he cared enough to get a bad grade on his math assignment in favor of being there for me.

I can’t say that today is brighter just yet. Its a funny feeling, really, normally after I flipped out, I feel better and calmer and I am able to move on. Today I just feel numb. its almost like my heart hurts. I just don’t really know if this is an easy fix like things normally are. I think this might just take time. 

Godspeed.

Kill yourself slowly over time (over time)

Fashion statement suicide (suicide)

She’s still asleep in the Chelsea hotel

Bad turns to worse

And the worse turns into hell

Today i feel like my whole world is tumbling down. i feel like i don’t have enough strength to support everyone in everything that is going on. Sometimes i hate that i bear everyone’s burdens. i know i would be miserable if everyone stopped coming to me for help, but today i just can’t handle it. i just don’t know how to handle some of the issues my friends are dealing with. Suicide, alcoholism, rape, lust, promiscuity, self-esteem,self injury, depression, anxiety. i just don’t know how to solve these issues. i’m a psych major. not a psychologist. i just feel like i can’t handle everything at once. i have so much going on i can barely breathe or sleep. someone once told me i should take care of myself before i take care of others. i’m not sure i know how to do that. i’m not sure i can separate myself from people that much. i care so much about them. i don’t even know where i wanted to go with this. i’m going to bed.

Inevitable

Amazing how life turns out, the way that it does.
We end up hurting the worst, the only ones we really love.

I don’t know how to feel right now. I think numb would be a good description. I’m not mad at him anymore, I never really was. I as hurt but I don’t even have that anymore. I think I’m upset because he is upset. I hate being the cause of other peoples pain. It’s killing me that he is unhappy, and it’s my fault. I wish I could take those words back. This is why don’t fight wtu people I care about. I know how to really hurt people and when I’m mad I don’t think about things before I say them. I am truly a horrible person.

The Runaways

It’s clearer now
You’re nowhere into giving
Giving into, giving into me
It’s your fault
You’re like a rare disease
I know you’re in love
With love I believe

I’m so tired of my own faults and failures. I really like to believe that I am really mature, when in reality, I’m a immature, hateful person. I can’t believe I said that. I may have been upset but he never did anything to deserve that. I’m staying away from people.

Zero

When I hear your name, it’s not the same.

No matter what they say, I’m not okay.

And we started at zero, and went different ways.

Now we’re all out here wasting away.

I don’t even know where to begin….i guess the beginning would be good. I have no idea what i am feeling right now. i feel like i just can’t handle everything life is giving me…i feel like i have the world firmly planted on my shoulders with no intentions of moving. 

This past week i was in Virginia at my grandmothers house. while on our way back from the farmers market, we were crossing a bridge that had the left lane completely blocked off. upon further inspection (yes, we were rubber necking, but it was a red light, what else were we supposed to do?) we saw a man, clinging to one of the cement posts on the outside of the bridge while officers desperately tried to talk him back to safety. in that moment, i didn’t see the homeless man clinging to the bridge, i saw the multitude of my friends that have attempted or thought about suicide. i thought about what i would say if they were clinging to the side of that bridge, just waiting for a chance to let go. it honestly saddened me. i have been around a lot of suicidal people in my life, but never have i seen it so clearly played out. i saw the desperation in his face. i heard the hopelessness in his voice. i will never forget that man. 

I also was able to hang out with a friend of mine this past week, it was generally a good time, with fun had by all, but at one point, he handed me a knife. and with this knife came a name i knew all too well. this was the knife he had contemplated suicide by many times. too many times. holding that knife, sitting in his room, i relived every conversation i had ever had with him about suicide….and I just kept picturing him, sitting there, staring at the knife, and the hopelessness, the grief so strong it would drive him to lose all will to live. this was honestly one of the harder things i have ever done. to contemplate ones own mortality is one thing, to see it through the eyes of a loved one is quite a different story.

i feel like i’m losing it again. in fact i’m almost sure of it. i don’t think i’m going to make a good psychologist if i’m just going to fall apart every time someone leans on me a little. i think i’m going to have to stop talking to Alex again, he is too attached and he is stressing me like crazy. I can’t believe Edward is talking to me again…its weird…i’m far too forgiving of people. i hated him for the longest time, but the second he started talking to me again, i ran right back…am i that stupid? is my self esteem that low? i don’t know. Rick wants me to stop talking to him. that would be the intelligent thing to do, however, i seem to be content with just self destructing, because that is highly logical.

Rick posed an interesting question today, that i’m still not sure i have an answer to, nor do i really want to think to much about it. The question was simply this: if you were on your death bed, who would be the one person you would want there to hold your hand and tell you its all going to be ok? i honestly have no answer. maybe my mother? my father? i don’t know. i just don’t feel that close with people, its like no matter how many walls i break down, there are still hundreds standing in the way of being close to people. I am afraid i will never be close to someone, i don’t have any friends that i have known more then a couple years, all of my childhood friends and I have grown a part too the point that we no longer talk. i think it boils down to the fact that no matter what relationship i am in, i will always be the one that is the listener. the fixer. i am never close to people because i refuse to let them in. in a way i have a lot of close friends, because i have a lot of friends who are completely honest with me and who i am able to help, but because of this relationship, i don’t share my issues for fear of making their problems worse then they already are, so i hold back parts of myself and am never completely honest with anyone. because of this, i will never be able to share the emotional intimacy that i so desire. 

i need to sleep. bio is going to kill me.

What can I say?

Life has been so confusing lately. I thought I cared for him, I really did. but now all i see is manipulation, immaturity and low self esteem. But the second he texts me, i realize i don’t want to hurt him. I’m firm up until the moment of confrontation. I don’t want to hurt him, but I hate dealing with him. I feel like his therapist, not his friend. He is really too stressful for me to handle. I have had 4 panic attacks over the past 3 days. That is far more then i have had in a long time. I can tell he is starting to affect my mental status, but still i protect him. Am i crazy? Probably. I just wish I could have known better and gotten myself out before it started to get bad. I guess you live and learn.

Love Life (What's That?)

Thunder of my inner chaos slowly calming
Down, down
I look up in the sky
No longer seeing you
Look up in the sky
See the sun coming through

This week has easily been one of the hardest/weirdest weeks of my life. its really weird to think that just a week and a half ago it was my birthday. i can see now that was the day it all spiraled down. me and him spent a lot of time alone together that day. after he gave me my present we just sat and snuggled and enjoyed being together. i can see now what a bad idea that was. i should have never let him touch me. i knew better. I let this happen before and it never ended well, yet I tried it again just to make sure its still a bad idea.

its weird to think i was ever happy around him. i know now it was just an artificial happiness, that came from me suppressing my own thoughts and emotions and putting on a happy face to keep him from hurting himself. everyone else saw it far quicker then i did. i was drowning. i find it funny that i was prideful enough to think that i could change him. that i could fix him. that i thought i could do something that many other had tried to do and failed. i know now why they failed. he doesn’t want help, he just wants to rely on others to live life for him. to constantly be there.

i’m very conflicted right now. everything within me knows this is right, and knows that this is the best way to handle what is going on. but once i’m alone, and my mind shuts up for a second, i can hear my heart crying, sobbing, and screaming that i want him back. it would be so much better if he was pissed at me. i’m so used to people hurting me, to people verbally abusing me. i can handle that, it rolls right off my back. i can’t handle that he is happy for me. he is happy that i got out of a situation that he knew was hurting me. everything in me wants to just hold him and tell him everything is going to be ok, but i know that isn’t what is best for either of us.

i’m starting to see a lot of co-dependency in myself and its making me nervous. the fact that without someone to constantly care for and worry about, i feel alone and sad. this is very concerning. i need to learn how to live without people constantly around. am i really that insecure? it might just be my nature, but the more i analyze myself, the more problems i find.

Which To Bury, Us or the Hatchet

And wisdom always chooses

These black eyes and these bruises

Over the heartache that they say

Never completely goes away

I don’t even know how to describe today, I guess I should just start and see where it goes…. I cleaned my room today, and that was just awesome.. I always forget how much calmer I feel when all the visible surfaces in my room are clean. I feel like its easier to think that way. then there was women’s Bible study…that was fun, but a little awkward…but maybe i’m just an awkward person :P

we were talking about self image, and its a really interesting topic if you stop and think about it. i don’t think either of the messages being displayed currently are a good idea. first, you have the Hollywood superficiality that says everyone must look perfect at all costs, but on the other hand, you have churches and women’s right groups that say “if your inside is beautiful, then your outside doesn’t matter”. i am of the opinion that neither of these ideals are correct. your outside beauty matters. as much as people like to say that it doesn’t, we all judge each other by how we look. if a person were to show up to a job interview in sweatpants and a dirty t-shirt, chances are good they wouldn’t get the job. in a way, i feel it is entirely justified to judge people based on appearances, because we all dress to reflect our perceptions of ourselves. that being said, if you focus too much on outer beauty, it is often a shallow and unfulfilling road. you may look good on the outside, but no one will be able to look past obvious personality flaws no matter how good you look.thus, one must simultaneously be able to analyze oneself in a rather critical manner to see in which of these two areas they fall a little short of the best that they can be.

After Bible study, i was suddenly faced with the idea that i had nothing to do for the rest of the afternoon. So packed up my stuff and headed to the library. I always forget how much i like libraries. they are incredibly peaceful to me, and i’m so much more productive in them then i am trying to work at home.

I have determined that part of the reason i don’t much like to work on things at home, is because i don’t really feel safe in my own house. i feel like my father is constantly disappointed and frustrated with me. to the point that i have associated my house with those feelings. being alone in public makes me feel safe. i feel safe because i have control over the situation. i decide when i leave, i decide where i go. its not that i’m independent, i’m just a control freak.

while i was in the library, Rick came to visit. that was fun :) its always nice to see people i don’t normally get a chance to on the weekends, and honestly, i’m still not completely sane. i feel so stupid, having to rely so heavily on him and Megan to keep me sane, and to keep me from doing what i so desperately want to, but what i know would end so poorly. i keep re- reading everything i have left of him. i’m obsessing. its almost as if i am grieving the death of a loved one. however, that’s not what this is about. this is about the fact that i actually had fun today. i really enjoy being in the presence of someone who is actively trying to make me laugh :) i enjoy being happy, and at this point in time that is what i need. i enjoy being with a guy that i know there is no chance of anything happening, it just takes a lot of the pressure off of hanging out. i don’t feel like i have to constantly watch what i say and do to be sure i am not sending unintentional signals about my feelings. i can feel free to just be who i am.

now, back to the one who is always on my mind. i really just want to send him a text. i just want to be platonic friends. i just want to be able to say hello every so often and be on good terms. this not speaking at all thing is killing me. i can never forget, even for a second, no matter who i am around. i can never forget what i did to him. what i am doing to him. to see him hurting is killing me. its like i have this eternal pressure that is always weighing on my heart. i only knew him for a month. but that month had the power to change everything. if only he knew how much this was hurting me.

The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

i don't know how to tell you, but i can't be this close to you. i just need space. i know i could never date you. but i want to so badly. do i love you? or do i love the idea of being in love? is my self esteem really that low? i care so much for you. but i just want to be friends....i stress more and more about the future. i can't hurt you. i would die. i want to help you, but i know we can't date.. you are too attached to me. i can't let you get any more so. you are a really sweet guy but i can't let this happen.

i wish you had never asked me to that dance. it has made things exceedingly awkward for me. you are a great friend and a sweet guy, but we could never date. we are far too different, we share no common interest. i don't even understand your attraction to me. up until you asked me out i was sure you had a thing for Faith. why does this happen to me? are you dating me just to have someone to date? was i your last chance option? in some selfish part of my mind i could never date you even if i liked you. i could never date someone in the military.i need someone there for me. physically there. its a completely selfish thought i know, but i can't get past it.

why does my past so drastically shape my future?why must guys be so manipulative and take advantage of the fact that i am easily manipulated so readily? they all said that they cared about me. that they wanted the best for me, when in reality they just wanted to hurt me.

Edward was the king of manipulators. when we first met, he just seemed like you typical nice guy. friends with everyone, cared for everyone.Hannah tried so hard to warn me. she knew better. she knew what he would do to me. but i wouldn't listen. i was infatuated with his strength and the fact that he "cared" about me. we started talking on facebook. everything started out Innocently enough, talking about school, what else we were up to that day. but then things started going down hill. he started telling me about his past and how he grew up, so i, in exchange started to trust him. i told him everything, about my past, about what i am going through now. i thought he cared. little did i know he was just going to use this against me. as the relationship went on he started to get more and more possessive. if i wasn't online one night, or i was hanging out with my family, he would get upset me. he demanded a lot of my time. i was constantly stuck in this online world i wanted out of. if it had just been that i would have been ok. but along with my time he took a lot of my mental and emotional purity. he would tell me fantasies of what he was going to do to me when i turned 18. he would make me participate in creating these fantasies. even thinking about it now makes me shudder. i can't believe that ever happened. every so often we would get into debates about things me and him didn't agree on. he would call me stupid, naive, and tell me that my opinion didn't matter because i didn't live in the real world. he wanted to make me feel as small as possible so that he could maintain control.

I never thought of Danny as a manipulator, until i was on the back side of that relationship. he started out just flirting with me, and calling me beautiful and smart and cute. i fell. hard. i didn't realize that he just wanted me for my body, that he was just trying to get me to the point that i would give in. and i almost did. that day at work.....lying there with him...i knew something could happen...but i did it anyways...i will forever be thankful to mark for coming out and checking on me, because i know now i would have done something i would have forever regretted. he never directly pressured me like edward did. he just wouldn't leave the topic alone. i hated it. i felt dirty.

i kept all of this from everyone. i thought i was ok. i thought it was healthy.i was so stupid.

starting this blog off right!

because i lack serious motivation to blog, i have decided to start this blog off with a 30 day challenge. i normally get annoyed by these things, but i really liked the questions in this one.

here's a quick overview of the challenge:

1. What was a changing moment in your life?
2. Has a painful experience ever had a positive impact in your life?
3. What are three of your biggest passions?
4. What is your dream career?
5. What in life is most beautiful to you?
6. Describe a specific moment where God obviously was working in your life.
7. What is your place of refuge?
8. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? What about now?
9. What song has moved you recently?
10. Who is your "best self"?
11. What is your favorite age?
12. If you knew you would die in two weeks, would you change anything about your life now?
13. Why do you keep a blog? What is your favorite part of keeping a blog? Least favorite?
14. When do you feel most alive?
15. Have you ever regretted something you DIDN'T do?
16. How do you spend time alone?
17. What kind of impact do you want to make on the world?
18. If you had a friend who talked to you like you talk to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend?
19. What is your favorite Bible verse and why?
20. Are you an optimist, a realist, or a pessimist? Which would you rather be?
21. What do you miss most about your childhood?
22. How are you inspired?
23. What is a quality about yourself that you like? That you're striving to change?
24. Who is someone who changed your life for the better?
25. How is God working in your life right now?
26. If you could write a letter to your thirteen-year-old self, what would you say?
27. What do you like best about each member of your family?
28. If you could do one thing to make the world a better place, what would you do?
29. At this time in your life, do you think you're fulfilling God's plans for you?
30. Share your testimony.

i will probably start the first one later today when i get home from work :)