Let You Go

I don’t wanna let you go

But the weather changes like your mind

And I don’t wanna give you up

But I might this time

I hope the new grass you seek 

Is greener than the greenest green 

And if it’s not, or if it is

I just hope you’ll be 

At peace

Goodbye.

  Its been an interesting past 2 months to say the least, and i’m just now really getting to the point that i can blog about it. to start the new year and new school year, i ended up ending things with the boy, after a long conversation with a friend that new both of us and the situation, and finally told me that she didn’t think the relationship was healthy. it was probably one of the hardest things i have ever done, breaking up with him, but in the end i am glad i did it. i should have known from the start we weren’t right for each other, but i was misguided by attraction and i figured i could make it work. although things didn’t work out with him, i don’t regret the relationship, because i grew a lot in who i am and what i want from life. it is unfortunate to me however, that things ended so poorly, because i was sad to lose him as a friend, but i realize it wasn’t doing either of us any good to try and force that relationship to work, there was still too much emotion involved. 

  Recently i have been taking a break from doing any sort of relationship type thing, because i realize now i am not emotionally ready to be in a relationship that is healthy and beneficial. this doesn’t stop guys from trying though >.< i really need to figure out how i send out “hit on me” vibes only to creepy guys, if i could find a nice, normal guy that is actually a christian, i will be set, there are prospects now, but unfortunately one is not a christian and one is just not as much my type.

I have recently been doing a lot of self discovery and self improvement. a friend a short time ago noticed something about me that no one has ever noticed in the past 4 years. i struggle with an eating disorder. its hard for some people to catch because i eat some of the time, and i make sure to eat around people so they don’t get suspicious. that being said, she caught me, and now has offered help and accountability to help me stop that, along with self injury. i am learning one of the most interesting aspects of my personality is my total submissiveness, but it is very conditional, it is only if i think you are intelligent enough to truly be able to have my best in mind, and also, if i am able to respect your authority because i see your as a strong person. the girl who is helping me now, is only able to be so effective because i trust her to really know what is best for me because she is intelligent,and knows enough about the disorder to really know how best to help me. 

  My current goals in life are just to get better before i try to get into any sort of official relationship with a guy. i’m not sure about some things right now,and i want to get them straight first. 

I recently also learned the meaning of “you never know what you’ve got until its gone.” i thought that i had nothing more then a platonic friendship with this person, that, while we were able to be honest with each other, hadn’t really blossomed into anything too emotionally attached. then i almost lost her, and i realized, in that moment, that i had cared very deeply for her all along, and that losing her hurt much more then i expected it too. thankfully this phase only lasted a very short period, and we were able to return to this friendship stronger, and with a deeper appreciation for each other.

  I am currently fascinated by my trust issues. i was asked who i trusted recently, and i could come up with 2 people, one of them being the one that asked the question to begin with. when i trust, it isn’t a light, flippant thing for me, if i trust you, i trust you with me life and well being, i know that you would never harm me. this being said, i am quickly learning that trusting people leads to heartache. every person i have every trusted in life has always ended up violating that apparently ill placed trust in the most violating and hurtful ways possible. this is why i don’t trust easily, if at all. the only reason i currently trust the people that i do, is because i have been forced to because they know too much and care too much, so i have learned to put trust in them that they would never betray me.

In the end, its been an emotional, and at times rough few months, but i don’t regret it. i have come out on the other side a better, stronger, and more mature person, and have made some lasting relationships in the process. i was telling a close friend of mine last night about this, and she told me that she is willing to help me in whatever way she can to get past the leftover issues that stand in my way. i am ready to take on the world, one baby step at a time.  

Walls

Does anybody know where February went?

I was hoping that by now it would be the end of this:

When you open up a book and read a thousand lines,

But you don’t really read you just move your eyes.

Lately i have just felt weird. that’s really the only way i can describe it. its almost as if i’m watching an outside person live my life for me. This scares me because the last time i got this feeling, i was 13, and it was at the peak of my anxiety and depression. This could just be because of the new year and how much i truly detest change, but it feels worse then that. i hate the spontaneous panic attacks. I want a reason for my crazy. i can’t handle this. i feel so alone, i feel like no one cares. my insecurity is starting to annoy people, i can see it testing them. i wish i was normal. i wish i was capable of having normal human interactions. why can’t i control myself? i fear i will always be that weird homeschooler that people just hang out with because they have to or they feel bad for me. i can’t wait for school to start back.

Pull Myself Together (Don’t Hate Me)

Chain of lies, chain of events

The keys are in your reach,

but not in your hands

You don’t have to be

a quote good unquote person to be let free

And how will you understand?

As if I would back then.

How will they understand,

that’s who I was not who I am?

And I’m not a perfect soul,

and I’ll fall again, I know, but oh

I must pull myself together

This is a brand new day

Pull myself away from my mistakes

Pull myself together,

It’s time to let the waves just take me, pull me away

It was only a matter of time before this song made into a post. This song has been my anthem for a long as i can remember. it means a few things to me, the first being a reminder that one day i will recover. i will finally make it past this wall of insecurity, self hate, and anxiety. it reminds me to live day to day, to do my best and live my life to the fullest. 

But it also reminds me of something i have been avoiding for the last 10 minutes of writing this post. it reminds me that i don’t fit in anywhere. i’m trying to be someone i’m not and i don’t know how to go back to the person i would rather be. i miss my religion. i miss being that close to God, i miss knowing him. go ahead, call me crazy. that’s what i’m waiting for, i know that all non-Christians and 99% of “Christians” don’t get this utter devotion to an invisible being, but once you have experienced the things i have, it would be a slap in the face not to. But back to my main point, i am basically living in suspense between two worlds. not quite ready to give up my good girl image, but teetering closer and closer to the edge. This scary realization hit me while hanging out a few weeks ago with my sister and the Furloughs. after spending a truly excessive amount of time with Grayson this semester, i realized i really missed being challenged to live a Godly life. He challenged me, while also treading carefully to make me trust him. at first i thought it was attraction, but now i see that i just have a very deep respect for him. he is a little over zealous at times, but thats far better then what i’m doing. i have always said i hated lukewarm christians, that they were useless. and yet this is what i have become. the most eye opening moment for me was after walking me to spanish class and realizing we had some time to kill, he suggested we pray, right then and there. i was ashamed, for more then one reason. i was embarrassed to be seen praying, and i was ashamed to be embarrassed. He taught me a lot that day.

A new year starts in just a few days. This is the year i finally get back on track. what ever it takes. no excuses. i need this. as for goals, i have a few:

1.Find my relationship with God

2.Update my OGSM to reflect my current plan

3. find Godly accountability to work through everything. be honest withthem. really honest. 

4.lose weight, get in shape. no more laziness

5. get a 4.0 this semester. anything less would just showcase laziness

  6.get into state, start looking at schools to get my masters at. 

Justice & Mercy

We can’t be oblivious

We are not ignorant

Blood in our hearts,

Blood on our hands

We’re human

We reason

We’re breathing

Protecting

You’re living and dying, surviving, we’re trying

This has spent a long time coming, and is really just the product of too many hours spent pondering life on a swing set, where all good thinking is done. There really isn’t a lot of point to it, besides a question. i don’t want to expand too much, because i want everyone to have their own answer. Justice, or Mercy? which should you show? is it more important that a person gets what he deserves and is shown consequences for his actions? or should he be shown Mercy in order to show him the beauty of grace, and to make him a more gracious person himself? is he deserving of grace? is anybody?

Dismantle.Repair.

The night was young and so were we

Talked about life, God, death, and your family

Didn’t want any promises

Just my undivided honesty

Today kinda sucked. It started out with such promise too, i hung out with Hannah which was lovely :) she makes me feel so normal. then things started to spiral, as they always do. I got a text from Rick that bothered me a little, but i just kinda let it go cause me and Hannah were watching a movie, but later on my way to work when i was lost  in thought driving, i began to think about how much it bothered me and how tired i was of everything. when i got to work i sent off a 5 page text that i can’t decide if i regret sending. the repercussions suck, but i can’t help but still believe every word i wrote. so for the next few hours i went back and forth with him and the girl that had originally advocated the sending of the first text. eventually i gave in and apologized because i really didn’t want to hurt either of them.

My question that comes out of all of this is, why do i care so much? conflict makes me physically and mentally ill. i can’t eat, i can’t sleep. i want to die. i have also been highly anxious since the fighting ended. i had a panic attack while driving to pick my brother up, fearing someone was going to break into the car and shoot me. i don’t understand why i care so much, i’m really close to Rick so thats understandable, but i don’t really understand why the other girl’s opinion of me matters, i will probably never hang out again, and we are polar opposites as far as views on things go, so i’m not really sure why this matters,but the thought of upsetting her makes me want to cry. i want to know why i can’t just let people go. i’m too attached and clingy to people and it’s not safe

Everyone harassed me to stop talking to Edward when i still was, but i refused. this is the real reason why. not because he was interesting, not because i enjoyed our conversations, but because i was too chicken to lose him. i don’t know why, but losing someone, even someone inconsequential to me freaks me out.

 i think the need to have everyone approve of me comes from growing up a pastors daughter. especially back when our church was mostly adults instead of college students, i was always the “good little pastors daughter” my sister escaped this image because she was always in the band and not having to deal with everyone. when i was 14, the middle schoolers were always trying to start drama with me. they said i called girls sluts, that i would make up lies about them and tell them to my brother and his friends. all because i refused to help them try to flirt with my brother. the hardest part about this whole thing was that some of the parents and youth leaders in the church believed them. they actually believed i would be that cruel and petty. my reputation was destroyed along with my self esteem. it was one of the hardest things i have ever been through. they turned my best friend on me.

I’m tired of dealing with this anxiety. i hate that i just panic randomly. that i have no specific triggers. i hate being weak. i know something is seriously wrong with me, but i refuse to do something about it. i don’t want to seem even more messed up to my parents, i’m already the screw up, i don’t need to add “psychologically unstable” to that list.

i’m just tired.

My Disease

You are my disease

You keep on killing me

I never should have let you in my heart

I’m trying to believe

You’re not the end of me

I’m better off without you

 Hmmmm…. Better just start from the beginning. Things all started to go down hill tuesday morning. I got to school at my usual hour, and headed off to see Alex who happened to be on campus that day. It was a strange and stressful conversation to say the least, that included me removing 2 utility knife blades from his possession, and finally crying and lecturing trying to make him understand how important he is. 

 From there my day only got better, i saw Rick and we hung out and cuddled for a while which was nice :) Then my day ended with the launch of the CrossWalk, which has been doing really well thus far. 

So, Tuesday wasn’t all that bad in general. it was Wednesday that fell completely apart.

Wednesday started with the usual barrage of classes and homework and boredom, seemed to be just a normal Wednesday. Alex didn’t contact me through out the whole day, which was a nice break for once. Then, once I got home from work at some crazy early hour, he started texting me. At first it was just normal stuff, and he actually seemed pretty stable for once, but I should know by now that he just never is. He started telling me that he has decided on a date for his suicide. That it will be the 27th of April, his and Megan’s anniversary. I just couldn’t handle it any more. I was so tired of always having to be the strong one. Of always being ok. I ended up getting really fed up and stressed, so I called Rick, thinking I could just be made sane and then go on. The second he picked up the phone I knew I had lost it. I was no longer able to keep everything so well hidden. Everything I had kept to myself over the past weeks came out. I ended up crying uncontrollable for around an hour. He sat there the entire time, never once growing frustrated with my over excessive reaction to something that is completely my fault. He never once tried to tell me that it is my own fault, and that i should never have gotten myself into this mess. he just let me cry, and then when i was done, he told me I was cared about. and that’s all I really needed. I don’t think he will ever understand how much it means to me that he even cared enough to pick up the phone, that he cared enough to get a bad grade on his math assignment in favor of being there for me.

I can’t say that today is brighter just yet. Its a funny feeling, really, normally after I flipped out, I feel better and calmer and I am able to move on. Today I just feel numb. its almost like my heart hurts. I just don’t really know if this is an easy fix like things normally are. I think this might just take time. 

Godspeed.

Kill yourself slowly over time (over time)

Fashion statement suicide (suicide)

She’s still asleep in the Chelsea hotel

Bad turns to worse

And the worse turns into hell

Today i feel like my whole world is tumbling down. i feel like i don’t have enough strength to support everyone in everything that is going on. Sometimes i hate that i bear everyone’s burdens. i know i would be miserable if everyone stopped coming to me for help, but today i just can’t handle it. i just don’t know how to handle some of the issues my friends are dealing with. Suicide, alcoholism, rape, lust, promiscuity, self-esteem,self injury, depression, anxiety. i just don’t know how to solve these issues. i’m a psych major. not a psychologist. i just feel like i can’t handle everything at once. i have so much going on i can barely breathe or sleep. someone once told me i should take care of myself before i take care of others. i’m not sure i know how to do that. i’m not sure i can separate myself from people that much. i care so much about them. i don’t even know where i wanted to go with this. i’m going to bed.

Inevitable

Amazing how life turns out, the way that it does.
We end up hurting the worst, the only ones we really love.

I don’t know how to feel right now. I think numb would be a good description. I’m not mad at him anymore, I never really was. I as hurt but I don’t even have that anymore. I think I’m upset because he is upset. I hate being the cause of other peoples pain. It’s killing me that he is unhappy, and it’s my fault. I wish I could take those words back. This is why don’t fight wtu people I care about. I know how to really hurt people and when I’m mad I don’t think about things before I say them. I am truly a horrible person.

The Runaways

It’s clearer now
You’re nowhere into giving
Giving into, giving into me
It’s your fault
You’re like a rare disease
I know you’re in love
With love I believe

I’m so tired of my own faults and failures. I really like to believe that I am really mature, when in reality, I’m a immature, hateful person. I can’t believe I said that. I may have been upset but he never did anything to deserve that. I’m staying away from people.

Zero

When I hear your name, it’s not the same.

No matter what they say, I’m not okay.

And we started at zero, and went different ways.

Now we’re all out here wasting away.

I don’t even know where to begin….i guess the beginning would be good. I have no idea what i am feeling right now. i feel like i just can’t handle everything life is giving me…i feel like i have the world firmly planted on my shoulders with no intentions of moving. 

This past week i was in Virginia at my grandmothers house. while on our way back from the farmers market, we were crossing a bridge that had the left lane completely blocked off. upon further inspection (yes, we were rubber necking, but it was a red light, what else were we supposed to do?) we saw a man, clinging to one of the cement posts on the outside of the bridge while officers desperately tried to talk him back to safety. in that moment, i didn’t see the homeless man clinging to the bridge, i saw the multitude of my friends that have attempted or thought about suicide. i thought about what i would say if they were clinging to the side of that bridge, just waiting for a chance to let go. it honestly saddened me. i have been around a lot of suicidal people in my life, but never have i seen it so clearly played out. i saw the desperation in his face. i heard the hopelessness in his voice. i will never forget that man. 

I also was able to hang out with a friend of mine this past week, it was generally a good time, with fun had by all, but at one point, he handed me a knife. and with this knife came a name i knew all too well. this was the knife he had contemplated suicide by many times. too many times. holding that knife, sitting in his room, i relived every conversation i had ever had with him about suicide….and I just kept picturing him, sitting there, staring at the knife, and the hopelessness, the grief so strong it would drive him to lose all will to live. this was honestly one of the harder things i have ever done. to contemplate ones own mortality is one thing, to see it through the eyes of a loved one is quite a different story.

i feel like i’m losing it again. in fact i’m almost sure of it. i don’t think i’m going to make a good psychologist if i’m just going to fall apart every time someone leans on me a little. i think i’m going to have to stop talking to Alex again, he is too attached and he is stressing me like crazy. I can’t believe Edward is talking to me again…its weird…i’m far too forgiving of people. i hated him for the longest time, but the second he started talking to me again, i ran right back…am i that stupid? is my self esteem that low? i don’t know. Rick wants me to stop talking to him. that would be the intelligent thing to do, however, i seem to be content with just self destructing, because that is highly logical.

Rick posed an interesting question today, that i’m still not sure i have an answer to, nor do i really want to think to much about it. The question was simply this: if you were on your death bed, who would be the one person you would want there to hold your hand and tell you its all going to be ok? i honestly have no answer. maybe my mother? my father? i don’t know. i just don’t feel that close with people, its like no matter how many walls i break down, there are still hundreds standing in the way of being close to people. I am afraid i will never be close to someone, i don’t have any friends that i have known more then a couple years, all of my childhood friends and I have grown a part too the point that we no longer talk. i think it boils down to the fact that no matter what relationship i am in, i will always be the one that is the listener. the fixer. i am never close to people because i refuse to let them in. in a way i have a lot of close friends, because i have a lot of friends who are completely honest with me and who i am able to help, but because of this relationship, i don’t share my issues for fear of making their problems worse then they already are, so i hold back parts of myself and am never completely honest with anyone. because of this, i will never be able to share the emotional intimacy that i so desire. 

i need to sleep. bio is going to kill me.